Fantasy Lianca Dialogue I

“You were afraid?  You were afraid of me?”

"Yes!" slipped out before Lena could rein in her tongue. She explained quickly, "well, not of you, exactly. It's just that..." she started pacing nervously. "Bianca, I've said and done the wrong thing with you so many times now that I'm afraid to speak to you, to come near you, to even look at you for fear that I'll do or say something wrong and you'll tell me to get the hell out of your life forever." She turned to face the young woman again, the words still pouring out of her. If this turned out to be the last chance she got with Bianca, then she might as well take full advantage of the situation and tell her everything she'd been holding back.

"And yet I can't not keep trying. I'm drawn to you, and the pull is so strong that I..." She threw up her hands, "I can't help myself."

"Lena..."

She held up her hands to silence Bianca. "No, please, I have a lot to say, and I think I need to finally say it. Please, hear me out?"

At Bianca's nod, she continued. "Knowing you, falling in love with you, has turned my entire existence upside-down. I can no longer be the person I was, and I think I can see a glimpse of who I could become, but right now, I barely know who I am, anymore!

"You...are the only thing I have right now that's worth holding on to, but since the..." she stopped, unable to say the word. "I've been shut out of your life since then, and I understand that the thought of seeing me must have been difficult for you, I do, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. What happened to you: it affects me, too. And not being able to help you, not being able to see you, or talk to you, has made me feel even more guilty, and helpless, and alone. That is why I started going to the boathouse. It was the only way I could think of to be close to you. It was a poor substitute, but it was all I had.

"The night I saw you and Maggie there, I should have left right away. I know that. But when I got there, you'd just come out of the water and you were both laughing and teasing each other. It was so good to see you smiling and laughing that I couldn't move; I had to have a moment to...take it all in, I guess. I should have left after that, but I couldn't quite make myself leave, and then you started talking about the pregnancy, and the abortion, and..."

"And you heard what Maggie said. Didn't you?"

"She didn't say anything I haven't thought about myself. I am at least partly responsible for what happened to you."

"Lena, no."

"Yes! You became Michael's target because of your connection to me, among others, and what's even worse... That night at SOS--the night I was arrested--when I spoke to Michael, he made vague threats about you, trying to get me to recant my testimony. I should have taken him much more seriously; I should have at least told someone about it. If I had... It might have prevented all this. I bear that guilt, and I will for the rest of my life. Maggie's words just...brought up a lot of things I had been trying not to think about. I felt so horrible over what you'd been through, what you're still going through, and then finding out about the pregnancy, and the abortion, and there didn't seem to be anything I could do to help, or to make things right. I just...I felt so hopeless that I..." she stopped, horrified at what she'd been about to admit.

Bianca stared at her expectantly. "Well? You said that you had a lot to say to me: don't hold back now." She didn't sound angry, but it was clear she would be if she detected any attempt at evasion.

Lena looked deep into those brown eyes studying hers and found that she couldn't lie to Bianca, even if it meant that this really would be the thing for which Bianca would finally tell her to go to hell.

"It wasn't food poisoning," she mumbled, studying her shoes while she tried to brace herself for the emotional blows that would surely follow.

"What?" Bianca clearly didn't understand what she meant.

"It wasn't food poisoning that put me in the hospital. I was there because I... I tried to kill myself."

"Lena, you... You tried to..." Bianca looked shocked, and suddenly pale. "Poison." She swayed a moment, then reached a hand out to steady herself on the top of the aquarium tank.

Lena wanted to reach out to Bianca, but she didn't dare, as she was afraid of how Bianca might react. "I know. It was stupid, and selfish, and trust me, Kendall already gave me the lecture--she and Boyd are the ones who found me, and got me to the clinic. And then David and Dr. Grey added their own lectures while I was recovering."

"You tried to kill yourself? Because of me."

"No, Bianca. You are not responsible for what I did!"

"Oh, really? I'm not responsible for what you did, but you're somehow responsible for what Michael did? I don't get your logic there, Lena." Bianca was clearly upset now.

"Bianca, I was just...so wrapped up in my own pain, I wasn't thinking clearly. At the time, I honestly believed you'd be better off without me."

"Better off without you? What? Did you think I wouldn't care if you died?"

"No! That wasn't what I thought at all! Look, it was stupid, okay? I know that. But it's okay, now; I'm okay, and I won't--"

"It's okay?" Bianca exploded into anger and stalked toward Lena. "No, it's not okay! Don't you get that?"

Lena, who'd been backing away from Bianca's verbal and emotional onslaught, collapsed onto Maggie's bed when her calves impacted against the edge of the mattress. "Bianca, I--"

"No! Now it's your turn to listen, Lena. I know I've been too wrapped up in my own problems lately to see what was going on with you, and I'm sorry for that." She knelt on the floor at Lena's feet. "But don't you ever," she gripped the fabric of Lena's dress at the shoulders and pulled her forward until they were eye-to-eye, "ever try to hurt yourself like that again! Do you understand me?"

Lena just nodded dumbly, unable to form a coherent thought, much less express one.

"Then get this straight: I wouldn't be better off without you. I need you, Lena!" Bianca let go of Lena's dress, only to lunge at her and grab her around the waist before falling against her, pushing her back until she was resting on her elbows.

Lena shifted her weight to one side and reached up to pet Bianca's head where it lay against her abdomen. "And I need you, Bianca. So much."

"And I'm going to need you even more, now."

"I'm right here, Bianca. I'm not going anywhere."

Bianca pulled back to look her in the eye, taking a nervous breath before continuing. "The abortion. Lena...I couldn't go through with it. Regardless of the circumstances, this child is an innocent, and it's mine, and I intend to keep it. Now, I know how you felt about Michael, but this really isn't about him." 

"Not about him? How can you, of all people, say that?"

"Because I don't want to let him have power over me, any more. I know I have a long road ahead in terms of my recovery, but I want to take control of my life again. Besides, this child is an innocent. He or she is no more responsible for its father's actions than Kendall is for what Richard Fields did to my mother.

"I know it might be hard for you, Lena, and I'll understand...if you can't, but I hope that you will be able to support me on this."

Lena reached out to cup Bianca's cheek. "This is truly what you want, Bianca? You're sure?"

"As sure as I've been about anything in a long time." Her eyes were resolute.

"Okay. That's all I need to know, then. Of course I'll support you, Bianca. Have you told your mother yet? Because if you need me to be there with you when you do..."

Bianca pulled back to sit on her heels. "No. I haven't told Mom yet, and I'm not going to, either."

"What?"

"Lena...she was so adamant that I have the abortion, and I can't... The news would devastate her, and I can't do that to her. You, David and Maggie are the only ones who know the truth and I intend to keep it that way."

"Bianca..." Lena leaned forward to take Bianca's hands in her own. "You're pregnant! I doubt you can keep that a secret for very long."

"I only need to keep it a secret for the next two or three months. Then, I'll leave town for the remainder of my pregnancy, and when I come back, I'll have obtained documents saying that I adopted the child--David said that he could help me with that.  I want my child to come into the world with a clean slate. I don't want his or her life to be defined by being the child of a rapist."

Lena looked at her, not quite believing what she was hearing. "Bianca, no. You can't do this." Seeing Bianca begin to pull away, she quickly tried to explain. "Well, yes, you can, of course. You're a grown woman, and I can't tell you what to do, but... This plan is so wrong, on so many levels, Bianca.

"First of all, forged adoption papers or not, most people will be able to count backwards from nine, and the timing will seem suspicious. I don't think you will be able to prevent rumors about the child's parentage, in any case. Secondly, Bianca...nothing good can be built on a foundation of lies. Believe me, I know that better than anyone, and you... You are the most honest and open person I know! Such a deception would only cheapen you, and wear away at your spirit, and I couldn't bear to watch that happen. 

"I know that you don't want your child to suffer the way your sister has. I understand that, but, from what I understand of the situation, Kendall's insecurities stem much more from trying to come to terms with who her mother is than with who her father was. I can't say that I blame Erica for not being able to give Kendall the kind of love and support she craves, but that is what torments Kendall the most, not what her father did. 

"The best thing you can do to protect this child is to be as open and honest as you can be, and to let it know, every day, that it is loved, and wanted. If people start spreading rumors about the child, just look them in the eye proudly and tell the truth. Tell them it doesn't matter who the father was. As long as you refuse to be ashamed about any of this, no one can use it to hurt you. And, when the child starts asking questions about its father, we'll just tell him or her as much or as little as he or she can handle."

"We?"

"Yes! We."

"Lena, you once told me you didn't want children. Can you really see a future for us--one that includes a child?"

"Bianca... Before you came into my life, I never knew anyone with whom I could consider a real future, and I certainly never knew anyone with whom I would consider having a child. You changed all that--gave me hope for things I'd never dared dream about. Yes. I want a future with you. And I may need a little time to adjust to the idea of being a...a parent, but I'm willing to try. In time, I suspect that I will want this child as much as you do. It's a part of you, after all, how could I not grow to love it?"

"Lena, I..." Bianca just bowed her head and placed both hands on her belly. "I know it might sound impossible, but...I do want this child."

"Then, please, Bianca, think about what I've said and reconsider your plans. Lies always come to light, in the end, and they will only wind up hurting people--especially you, and this child. I understand if you aren't ready to spread the news right now, and I will support you--no matter what you decide. But I think it will be in everyone's best interests for you to be open and honest about things. I really do."

Bianca shook her head slightly, trying to process it all. "You've given me a lot to think about."

"I know, and I don't mean to add to your burden. I just want what's best for you...and your child."

"Thank you, Lena." 

They stared at each other, emotionally drained and not quite sure what to do or say next. Lena fidgeted a little. "I don't want to leave you, Bianca, but I should probably get back to the office, before Kendall tries to hunt me down."

Bianca stood up, then offered a hand to help Lena up, as well.. "Yeah, I guess you should..." 

Encouraged that Bianca seemed as reluctant to part as she was, Lena decided to take a chance. "Look, are you free tonight? I could buy you dinner? Or we could go to a movie, or--"

"Dinner would be fine, Lena."

"Good! And, we could even invite Maggie to come along, if you like?"

Bianca smiled up at her. "We could do that, but some other night, I think. I think we could use some more time to talk."

"Whatever you want, of course. Shall I make the arrangements?"

"You know what? Why don't we just keep it simple? Maybe grab some take-out and go to the boathouse?"

"That sounds wonderful. Pick you up at seven?"

Bianca nodded, smiling, "Seven."

"Okay. I'll see you then," Lena replied, grinning widely as she slipped out the door.

The end

© October 2003